I won’t be posting for a few days.

Oh geeze, that was insensitive of me, springing that on you unawares. Here’s a Kleenex.

[Respectful silence passes]

This time I’ll have a better excuse for my silence than logic problems. I’ll be attending the Electronic Resources and Libraries Conference in Atlanta.

Considering my job title, Electronic Resources Librarian, this conference sounds made for me. I hope I’ll get a lot out of it, though I’m nervous about the other conference-goers. I looked at the attendees and damn near everybody is from an academic library.

What, don’t public and school libraries have electronic resources? (And special libraries, can’t forget special libraries, though I always feel silly saying that. “Special” is a euphemism we use because there’s really not a polite way of saying “severely challenged” or “not very bright.” This can work to your advantage if you’re in a bad relationship but you haven’t mustered the courage to end it yet. “Of COURSE I’m happy with you, baby. I think you’re special.”)

If the other conference-goers are all “the faculty this” and “the students that,” I’m going to pipe up with “homeless people this” and “small children” that. That’ll learn ‘em.

To be perfectly clear, I don’t have any problems with the homeless in my library.

I’m not wild about visiting Atlanta. It’s better than, say, Detroit, but a far cry from Boston or Seattle or Denver. If they had to pick a crime-ridden city, why couldn’t they send us to New Orleans, where our tourist dollars would help them out? Hmmm?

But I’m not really grousing. I get to travel on the library’s dime. (Thanks, taxpayers!)

And maybe I’ll get some toys out of it. As I see it, I can’t be a good Electronic Resources librarian without an iPhone. And I could really use a new laptop. And a new vibrator, which is not a traditional library resource, but think about it: Most librarians are women, and most women are happier with vibrators, so… are you following me? Happier librarians = better service. I’m not saying I’d use the vibrator in the library…

Whoops, time for a tangent. Have I mentioned that I’m not a real librarian? I did the coursework, I wrote my master’s paper, I joined the associations, but I never had sex in the stacks. Most people get around to this in college, but if you’ve entered library school without being naughty in the stacks, you don’t get to graduate unless you take care of that little requirement. Which I never did. I’m a college grad and I have an MLS but I’ve never had sex in a library.

Gotta take care of that someday, just to ease my guilty conscience.

Plane leaves tomorrow afternoon. I’ll try to find some good souvenirs for folks back at work, but don’t get your hopes up. It’s Atlanta. The only thing Atlanta is famous for is severe racial tension, which is notoriously difficult to giftwrap.