Here, for the edification of many, I list for the first time ever a sampling of my crushes on fictional characters. With very few exceptions these crushes are more meaningful, vibrant, and realistic than my any crushes I have, have had, or will have had on flesh humans. They are also more likely to lead to sustainable relationships. Sad but true.

• Mr. Rochester (Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte; also Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys)
• Mo (Dykes to Watch Out For - Alison Bechdel)
• Olivia the Pig (The Olivia books - Ian Falconer)
• Severus Snape (The Harry Potter series - J. K. Rowling)
• Lucius Malfoy (The Harry Potter series - J. K. Rowling)
• Hopey (Locas - Jaime Hernandez)
• Constantine (Sunshine - Robin McKinley)
• Spider (Transmetropolitan - Warren Ellis)
• Hannibal Lecter (Red Dragon, The Silence of the Lambs, and Hannibal - Thomas Harris)
• Humbert Humbert (Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov)
• Dream (The Sandman series - Neil Gaiman)
• Hamlet (Hamlet - William Shakespeare)
• Ophelia (Hamlet - William Shakespeare)
• Dmitri Karamazov (The Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoevsky)
• Ivan Karamazov (The Brothers Karamazov - Fyodor Dostoevsky)
• Cliff Janeway (The Bookman series - Cliff Janeway)
• Rincewind (The Discworld series - Terry Pratchett)
• Edmond Dantès (The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas)